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Prerelease text from the If You Play You Win game now on Inspired Unreality Monday nights. When this is published I will add the link here.


  Ari is a human wizard trained in healing and defense. Ari has a pet wildcat named Tude, she has raised from a kit. The cat is not a familiar but there is a very close bond and the cat is always alert for danger. Caper is a halfling bard with a storied past. Although designed for two player characters this quest could be played by any low level party.

    Kendrick uses a telecommunication spell to send Ari a message. (calls her on her cell phone) He says "Big things are astir so small things must be put in place. Contact the witch at Milyagon. She has a task that needs done."
    Ari and Caper travel to Milyagon and talk to the witch. She needs three things from Wilken Woods but she cannot go herself because her daily rounds helping the elderly keep her busy. She's been putting this off but evidently Kendrick thinks it's important enough to send help.
    The witch says:

    "You have to go to Wilkin Woods to get a feather from an owls tail, some squamish mushrooms, and a branch from the ancestor tree.

   "The feather cannot be stolen but must be given freely. If the owls
suspect foul play they will attack as fowls do. Do not let the feather touch the ground. If you find a feather on the ground it will not work.

"The squamish mushrooms grow  in leaf molds under large oak trees. Their magic concentrates under the moonlight and they are best picked with the moon shining directly on them. Here is  a small bag. It needs to be more than half full but not all the way full or the mushrooms will bruise.
    "The ancestor tree grows large in the heart of Wilken Woods. It's a giant oak. The legend is the ancestor tree was the first tree in Wilken Woods and the forest started from this one tree. The ancestor tree is big magic, the other oak trees less so. The magic dilutes with extended lineage those grown from ancestor tree acorns have half the magic of the ancestor tree. Those grown from their acorns, half again. You will know the ancestor tree because it shimmers with a fey glow in the moonlight.
    "Do not to cut, break, or chop any tree in Wilken Woods. The oak trees will defend the forest. It is safe to pick dead branches from the ground for firewood but fires should not be started under a tree. Never burn a branch from the ancestor tree.
    "Branches on the ground have no magic except for the branches fallen from the ancestor tree. So you can detect magic on branches around the ancestor tree to make sure that a  branch fell from the ancestor tree. A branch doesn't fall far from the tree so first find the ancestor tree and then find a branch. Get a big one.
   "The squamish mushrooms close  to the ancestor tree have the most magic. So after you get the branch search the area for the best mushrooms.
    "Wilken Way deliberately avoids the most magical areas of Wilken Woods. The ancestor tree is to the south of Wilken Way. Nobody knows Wilken Woods like the woodcutter. He lives at the north edge of the woods in the least magical area. Still, all of the woods are magical and you should be on your guard at all times."
    The witch points to the sky and says, "See the half moon up in the blue sky. You have come at a good time. The moon is full in a week and you will have strong moonlight over the next two weeks.


Vivian and I made these up in Inspired Unreality Gamers Chat last Monday.

Please add more in the comments. I'm trying to build a D20 table of quest lighteners so you can randomly throw some humor into your quest.

Some of these are good and some are just jokes. Not that there's anything wrong with jokes. If you've got any good quest jokes put them in the comments too.

The table below was created in CherryTree and copied and pasted into this blog post. The lines aren't visible so I created some white space between entries.

1 Creeping through a dungeon, castle, etc the party sees a horrifying shadow on the wall opposite a turn to the right. When they finally build up the courage to peek around the corner or jump in with swords drawn they see a little kitty playing with a candle.

2 Stealth mode on the party is sneaking through the woods, swamp, or grasslands when they come to a river with a baby floating face down. Throwing caution to the wind they dive in to rescue the baby only to find out it's a doll. After they struggle back to the river bank a little girl walks up and says, "Thank you for rescuing my baby doll." Then she takes the doll and walks off never to be seen again.3

The bald cleric, Rogain, is extremely devout and has deep faith in his God. However whenever he meets a priest or pilgrim from another religion he converts immediately and follows his new God with equal fervor. For some reason, whenever he is near a tavern, he becomes a devout follower of Dionysius.

4 A bizarro world vampire is un-undead and he's scared of the dark.

5 A party of three dwarves wading through a creek sees an extremely large alligator moving toward them. One of the dwarves pulls out his sling shot and loads it with a cup of mud which he shoots into the alligator's eye. Moral of the story?

6 When the carnival came to town last year the little baby dragons were all the rage. When the city folk learned how much baby dragons ate they pitched them in the sewer. Now this year you are creeping through the sewer trying to storm the castle. You make a left turn and what do you see/smell? A rather odiferous dragon. And it's not a baby anymore.

7 Three skeletons walked into a bar and ordered three pints. The bartender served the skeletons and then turned to the barmaid and said, "Better go get a mop."

8 A thief was bent on pilfering a castle. He checked around the back and spied a window partly open. Carefully and quietly he slid the window up and crawled through. As soon as his second leg hit the floor the window slammed shut behind him. The thief froze thinking "Damn, that was loud." Barely breathing he counted 60 seconds but nobody came. It was as dark as a dungeon but the thief still had that wand he stole from the blind wizard. When he brought it out it glowed softly. The thief looked around. He had successfully snuck into a jail cell.

9 The chest just yelled treasure. Look at that big lock. Look at that iron hasp. Look at those reinforced corners. The thief was sure it must be trapped. He checked the hinges. He poked here and there with his dagger. He carefully lifted the lock ever so slightly and checked behind it. Nothing so far. He got out his lock picks but before he started on the lock he wiggled them into the hasp. He tapped gently on the sides and the top. He carefully grabbed one handle and lifted one side of the chest a tiny bit. Sticky his dagger under the corner he peered under it. Nothing. So he went to work on the lock. Before he tried to unlock it he felt here and there for traps. Needles that flew out. A sudden pinch on his finger. Nothing. He finally started working on the lock itself. It opened pretty easily. He carefully set it aside and used his dagger to lift the hasp up. He stuck his dagger through the slot in the hasp and inched the lid open. Nothing happened. "I can't believe that this chest isn't trapped." thought the thief. He took his dagger and opened the lid all the way. The chest was empty.

10 The adventurers were led to believe that the cleric wasn't all the way there. Two screws short of a hinge, if you know what I mean. Nonetheless when the cleric sent for them they went to see what was up. Gold from the collection plate was still gold even if it came from a crazy man. When they got there the cleric said, "I heard you did a good job getting rid of those rats down at the dock. I have a similar problem. You see, I've got bats in my belfry."

11 The jester wore an invisible hat and his shoes were made from the wings of a bat. Nothing was too lowly to be reused and he never hesitated to be amused. As he traveled from here to there he often stopped to pick up trash for he knew that one man's trash was another man's cash.

12 The Order Of White Ninjas were lawful good, like paladins. They considered themselves far superior to the regular ninjas all dressed up in black, the white ninjas only wore white, there was no darkness in them. The only problem was the only place they could sneak around was in hospitals.

hairylarry Aug 20 '19 · Rate: 5 · Comments: 1 · Tags: quest, funny, castle, d20
Milyagon is a locale for OSR or Wizards and Heroes.

Milyagon is a small village upriver from the southern seaport Canyanban. It used to be a military fortress and it still maintains substantial wooden walls with a large gate and several smaller entrances. Outside the gate on what used to be the parade grounds is a trading fair where area farmers and craftsmen peddle their wares.

Guard towers set at each corner of the fortress. There is also a lookout tower on the High Bluffs and an even larger tower on Telescope Hill, remnants of military history.

On fair day people come from miles around. Trade is brisk and business is good. Gold greases the wheels and the wheels keep turning.


- Mayor Bannych is former military and a good man in a pinch.

- Sherrif Slykver is slick in fact and not too crooked.

- Tyad Miggles the innkeep is amiable and well off.

- Yon Rogar the smith is big and he looks dumb, but he's not.

- Thom Kellych the shopkeeper is wiry with a sharp eye for profit.

- Marantha is the apothecarist. She has a strong nose and a nimble mind.

- Jon Rogar runs the docks. He's as big as his brother, Yon.

- The priest, Durward, leans toward greed and gluttony.

- The witch lives north of town. Many say her potions work fine.

- The keeper lives on a pension below the tower on Telescope Hill.


The woodcutter in Wilken Woods cuts statues and totems as well as firewood. His statues are very lifelike especially in the moonlight. Sometimes a young whippersnapper will tell tale about how one of them came to life at full moon and he killed it. The older folks pay no heed because the legend is no one has ever bested one of the woodcutters animated statues.

No one doubts the witches potions. Her herb garden is small but immaculate and she knows exactly what poisons she's growing as well as what tea eases cramps or kills pain. She has been known to help girls after a rape and the legend is that after she took care of the girl she would take care of the rapist too.

This quest by Larry and Vivian Heyl is licensed Creative Commons Attribution. Images public domain.


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